I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
You Might Also Like
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.