wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
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You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
What the dentist sees
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.