I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Terribly Tuesday.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.