ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
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become ungovernable
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief