When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
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I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die