Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
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“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
My love language is deader than Latin
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked