My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I’m Sold!
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook