I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂