*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
She puts the hot in psychotic
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk