“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
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I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Raisins are grape jerky.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.