I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
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Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.