Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I feel it
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.