I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
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so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.