When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
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Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Awwwww shit.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”