My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
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My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together