2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
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To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
love it when they get my name right
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.