If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
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[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is