Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!