If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
You Might Also Like
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket