Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
three things we don’t talk about
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
#Caturday
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.