baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
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Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.