ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
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Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied