Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
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First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781