Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.