Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
You Might Also Like
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?