I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.