*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
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I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me