Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
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Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Your honor these allegations are
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.