[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
You Might Also Like
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
It be like that sometimes 😆
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]