[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
You Might Also Like
I hope it’s French Onion!
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”