* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls