I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
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Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree