if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
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Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them