Bro what is this
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Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not