Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*watches the world burn*
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks