Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
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If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind