Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
You Might Also Like
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
#oldknees
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?