I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.