*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
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Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?