I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
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[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises