Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.