Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
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Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Story of my life…..
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
After 35, your body ages in dog years
How do you like your Corgi?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…