Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
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Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.