My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I know this now 😂
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you