Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
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“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
new year update: losing everything but weight
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
If only.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy