Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Knock Knock
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.