watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Siri, fight Alexa.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.