Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
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[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I’m having an out of money experience.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My kitchen overserved me.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.