Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
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If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Ha
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.