My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.